Just today..

Right after my daughter was diagnosed with cancer in April/2008, when she was 5 years old, she asked me "mommy, am I going to die?." It was no more than a few days after her diagnosis, and we were home waiting for the 'next step.' I was never more terrified. I was facing the prospect of losing the single most important person in my life. I was trying to be strong for her, but I spent most every day for about two weeks after she was diagnosed crying...non stop. When she asked me this I just remember thinking...Oh my God, she is the most intuitive most intelligent person I know, and I can't lie to her. She deserves the truth, and she'll if I'm lying. I realized that I was going to need to rise to this occasion. In that moment, I knew that it was up to me to get her through this. If she had any chance of finding the space within her to believe that she was going to be ok, I knew that I would need to believe that she was going to be ok as well. So, right then I decided that I would believe that she would survive, and be ok. My answer to Zoe was "You are very very sick, and you could die, but we are going to do everything we can to make sure that won't happen. and here is where I got really brave...I believe that you will be ok. I'm just very sad and scared that you're sick and have been feeling so yucky, because I love you so so much." That moment has always stayed with me. I reminded myself of that decision to believe that she would survive so many times throughout the process of her treatment when I felt that I couldn't be strong for another second. It's what got me through it, and in turn, I believe it's what got her through it. The power of one choice in one moment. The love that I have for myself is wrapped up in that moment. I have never been more proud of the person that I am than I was in that moment.